All The Reasons I Let You Keep Me Up At Night

Dear Baby Bear

You’re not a baby anymore, in fact, you seem to have skipped past all the smaller stuff, straight to little girl.

The one little person thing you suddenly do again, is to insist on cuddling up with me in bed again. Refusing to sleep in your own bed and only settling once I’m holding you like a teddy bear, despite the extreme heat. I can’t sleep like that at all, but I let it go for a multitude of reasons.

For starters, you’ll be a big sister instead of an only child in a few short weeks and I feel that loss very keenly. Soon I won’t always have time just to cuddle you. Soon someone else will need my arms. So I hold you and lie awake while you snore softly in my arms.

You’re also just growing so very fast and already you don’t fit as well as you used to. You’re all long legs and arms and I struggle to wrap around you. And it reminds me that soon you won’t want or need me anymore. You’ll stop crawling into my lap or falling asleep in my arms or asking me to read 45 stories for nap time.

Everyday as your brother grows and grows and I become more exhausted in this heat, I’m less able to respond to your calls of “Chase me, Mamma! Catch me! Go go go!”. I know my body will return to normal and I’ll be able to run again, but it will never just be us two again. And as I get progressively grumpier in the heat, and run up to wrapping up at work, I fail you more and more. But at night, I can just hold you.

Above all, I fear the moment when I need to share my time between you and the new baby. When I can’t just focus on you. When you have to make peace with sharing your home with a little minion.

I promise, I’ll crawl into your new big girl bed with you every chance I get.

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